“It was a widely misinterpreted movie, I think…. People tend to say, “Why didn’t she end up with him? He was so nice!” But I think that he was really quite guilty of projecting a fantasy onto this girl that she didn’t necessarily deserve, and that, honestly, he was pretty wrapped up in his own selfish point of view… We’ve all been guilty of it. I’m sure I’ve done the same. And we all do it to one degree or another in every relationship. But it’s just funny to me, because I felt like the point of that movie was illuminating this guy who is basically delusional, who keeps projecting all these things onto this girl, and how that’s a problem for him, and how he then sort of grows out of it. But it seems like a lot of the people that see the movie don’t quite catch that. They just think he’s a great guy.”—Joseph Gordon-Levitt on (500) Days of Summer (via theshadowofyoursong)
When everything is restless and I don’t feel satisfied.
When there should be peace and relaxation.
I think I still need you.
On the bus, rolling by the flyover…I saw a white bike and flowers. Somebody had died. I was struck by this sudden sense of vulnerability. Life might pass me by. I felt a stranger. I never chose you. I thought I must have loved you because I fell apart when I let you go. Who is that reflected?
You don’t hold a candle
No body warned me, no body told me you could just walk by and change me all from inside.
It’s strange. You’re a wrecking ball. Your like New Year. You don’t stay and fight.
Insatiable needs. I’ve seen love, but I never surrendered.
I know where these thing lead: I’ve lost friends before. There’s nothing I can do if we can’t talk. If we stop talking, I’ll stop knowing you. You’ll stop caring. Life will go on. We will change. You’ll be someone else.
I never would have guessed you’d do this. You promised not to be this person. I can’t say more. You know what I think. That’s all I can do. Reaching out is starting to hurt me…I think I might not be able to keep it up. I know I’ll have to choose myself over you if comes down to survival. I don’t want to fight. I want to live. I want to live with you by my side. I don’t mean to let you go, but if you want to run, you’ll leave. Just tell me why I’m loosing you.
“The wind sings of our nostalgia
and the starry sky ignores our dreams.
Each snow flake is a tear that fails to trickle
Silence is full of the unspoken,
of deeds that go undone,
of confessions to secret love,
and of wonders not expressed.
Our truth is hidden in our silence,
Yours and mine.”—Ahmad Shamloo (via philphys)
“I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ that’s all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then you say to yourself, ‘I’m sorry.’ If we all hold on to the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that’s rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don’t have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”—Maya Angelou (via black-wolves)
I endured things no-one should ever ask of their friends. Yet somehow I suffered them as as daily insults to my pride. Sometimes disguised under girlish smiles, they were the classic female, passive aggressive, mind-fucking bullshit ridden tortures. It was always happening around me without anyone ever saying a word in protest. Blatant racism, favouritism and outright abuse delivered like daily bread, from of all people, those who I was supposed to build my ambitions with. Their examples made my soul wretch, I found no similarity, no kindness in their eyes. Never before had the cultural divide accompanying my identity seemed such a inveterate and gaping casm. I suffered. I was consumed. I ate my brains for bed-time ritual every night, pondering the injustice. I prayed for God to help me. I screamed out for a savior in the endless dark of my bedroom. I willed one of the taxis driving by my window to suddenly screech to a halt. The tears crawled into my mouth. Everything seemed hopeless, loveless. I imagined myself in a state that anti-depressant drugs might have put me in if I’d have had the will to go to a doctor: Hope was killing me. It wasn’t that I decided not to feel, there was just one day when no tears allowed release, no comfort from prayer, or pain or hard work, or physical exertion, nothing offered sustiance. There was one truth left: I was absolutely and completely heartbroken.
Uni life was this soul-less existance, where nothing I thought just seemed to matter to anyone. Indifference surrounded me, occassionally interrupted by a cloud of passing succor, that after the much needed attention seemed only to sting in the hope of more of it. It felt like everything that was happening to me was happening on a TV screen, or through a camera lens or a car window. That somehow I could be in control, and I could edit the scenes later on to make coherency. I remember thinking at the time, that one day, those vacant staring faces, would make sense to me. I could finally look back and think: This was God’s plan, I just couldn’t see it yet. This is all meant to happen.
“And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadows on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted—nevermore!”—Edgar Allan Poe, from “The Raven” (via the-final-sentence)
This is the only place left to go. My memories are failing me, and my ambitions are feeling too heavy to keep dragging around. I’m parking them right here: wishing they’d lay quiet for a little while, just for peace enough to sleep.
I feel like a Nowhere person. I want someone to talk to. I wish you were here. I used to phone you whenever I wanted you close; talking until your sleepy voice threatened to be snoring. I can’t imagine how I might connect to you now.
I close my eyes, I lay in my bed, I feel light on the pillow, breathing in the fragrance of my shampoo and the dampness of my hair. My toes feel unnaturally cold under the winter duvet. I rub my fingers into the hollows around my eyes, but they are too dry for tears.
What are you doing now? Sleeping? Where are you? If you’re at home, you wouldn’t be very far. But, maybe you’re in some other city? Maybe a different country? Maybe with someone? Suddenly my mind is swimming in moments of you, misty, drifting, not enough for them to settle…I think I prefer the idea that you are sound asleep next to someone else, and that you’re not at home, but someplace else.
Curious. Why should I prefer that?
Maybe I’d rather guess than know; maybe I like pretending over proof; perhaps it’s just the absurdity of the thought of wanting to be close to you. I don’t even dream of you anymore, I don’t imagine you think about me very often either. But I still talk to you. Curious.
I remember I used to feel like this about her too. I would lie awake through the clock-ticking in my bedroom, gently breathing, trying to FEEL something in regards to all the pointless thinking. I had no desire to suddenly pick-up the phone, and I certainly felt no regret over what was past. I just contemplated the distance between us; I comtemplated the pain, if it hurt still. It didn’t.
But I’d always found remembering difficult, like somehow, I’d deleted or taped-over the records for my own emotional protection. It frustrated me that I couldn’t choose what to see. I found no joy in reliving the very best of memories, even if I knew them to be perfectly amazing moments of their time. I felt that person who I was, was dead. That person wasn’t me anymore; and the memory, however beautiful, wasn’t really mine, it was more like a film I’d once watched. I wonder if I’d always been this unfeeling; deep-down under everything, naturally, or if maybe I’ve had to learn to become this way, just to make sense of it?
I don’t hate her. I don’t love her anymore. I think of her sometimes, but she’s not you.
Today I woke up from a dream about you. I’m sure I had dreamt much better, more interesting things before, but considering the alarm interrupted it, you remained a bitter thought…lingering…poisonous cloud above my head as I tried to brush my teeth clean.
You and her had bought some new shoes. The shoes were the same, but different colours for each of you. You ate breakfast together in the kitchen. I came in and the carpet was all gathered up, I almost trip over it. I busy myself with arranging the carpet, curiously, it’s tucked into the sofa cushions, and impossible to remove. I think why? Has it been sewn there for some reason? The wooden furniture sits askew on the bulges, like sinking ships on a red sea. You brush past me, to grab something on the stand, you shove me on your return to your seat. You don’t say sorry, you only huff at me. I trip on the ever-expanding carpet. I sigh deep and loud, misery encroaching, emptiness fills my lungs, but no tears. A friend comes gushing down the stairs, upon reaching me she stops and hugs me tight from behind.Just as suddenly, she’s gone. In a light green haze, her warmth leaves with her through the back-door. The door rattles in the background, as I speak to you about the day ahead, but you do not answer. You eat your cereal. You keep eating your cereal, I keep watching you. You and her exchange glances. She pours herself some cereal, then she hides her face in a cupboard, rummaging, I am sure for some imaginary necessity. I wish for my friend.
You speak. You don’t look at me. You just keep speaking. You mumble so I can’t hear you properly. You don’t help me find the answer. You eat your cereal. I feel like a mouse on the floor. I watch your shoes, and her shoes walk hurriedly out. You leave the door swinging. I get up to lock it. It hails outside. They bounce up into the air as they land on the paving outside the window. They must be falling so hard, I think. They must hurt. I contemplate going outside to feel them hit me. To feel anything full stop.
I think I hope I’m fucking dreaming. Suddenly I know I’m fucking dreaming. I want to wake up; make me alive, make things real I pray to God. I’m so fucking tired, I don’t want to leave the bed…but dread starts to build up in my furrowed brow. I don’t want to see you again. I don’t want to be There. The miserable fucking morning is such a relief.
Dream dictionary: Not that I believe this stuff it doesn’t take a genius to analyse it either, but it does make me feel better sometimes. I hope it’s thoroughly processed, and not in danger of coming for another visit. Having said that, I hope the same for you. Now I’ve woken up to you for the last time, I wish you were processed with. You’re not in my life for good reason. Now I want you neatly settled away in the past, where my sub-conscience need not visit.
New shoes To see new shoes in your dream suggest that you are overconfident in your success. Alternatively, you may be on a life path that is unfamiliar to you. Breakfast To dream about breakfast indicates the start of a new project or the beginning of a new stage in your life. Alternatively, your mind may already be thinking ahead on what to make for breakfast in the morning. It is not uncommon for your fleeting thoughts to be incorporated into your dream. Carpet To see a carpet in your dream represents your way of protecting yourself from life’s harsh realities. Alternatively, a carpet symbolizes luxury, comfort or richness. Consider the condition and designs of the carpet and how it parallels the foundation that you have laid for yourself in life. Perhaps the dream is telling you that you are refusing to confront some issue and instead are sweeping it under the carpet? To dream that you are installing or laying down carpet suggests that you are trying to make your life more comfortable. The dream may also be analogous to the planning of something. You are laying out some new project or endeavor. To dream of a magic carpet implies your desires and wishes to escape from a situation, relationship, or responsibilities. Red Carpet To dream that you are walking on a red carpet represents your desire to be admired and looked up to. You are seeking validation and acknowledgement for your achievements. Trip To dream that you trip on something indicates that something is out of order in your life. Things are not going as smoothly as you want, especially when you are faced with obstacles.The dream may forewarn that you are about to make a mistake in some waking decision Green Green signifies a positive change, good health, growth, fertility, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. The appearance of the color may also be a way of telling you to “go ahead”. Alternatively, green is a metaphor for a lack of experience in some task. Faceless To see a faceless figure or person in your dream indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are. Perhaps you are unsure of how to read people and their emotions. Therefore, you are expressing a desire to know and understand these people on a deeper level. Mice To see mice in your dream indicates that you are spending too much time dwelling on minor problems and insignificant matters. To see mice feeding or eating in your dream suggests that someone is trying to bring down your self-confidence. Someone may be nipping away at your resources. Floor To see the floor in your dream represents your support system and sense of security. You have a firm foundation that you can depend on. The floor in your dream may also symbolize the division between the unconscious and conscious. Alternatively, the dream may be a pun on being “floored” or being completely surprised. Perhaps you have been caught off guard about something. To see a polished, wooden floor in your dream indicates that you are fully aware of your unconscious and keeping it suppressed. Consider the condition of the floor for further analysis. To see a slanted floor in your dream indicates that you are deviating too far from your original plans and goals. To dream about the floors of a building represents your level of understanding, awareness or success. The higher floors signify higher accomplishments and achievements. If you are in the lower floors, then it refers to more primal attitudes, the unconscious and/or sexuality. It also denotes failures. Consider the significance of the floor number and the type of building the floors are on. Floorboards To notice the floorboards in your dream suggests that you are being protective of the things that are important to you. Alternatively, it indicates that you are guarded about something in your unconscious. If the floorboards are loose, then it means that you are unsure of the ground that you are standing on. You are feeling insecure about something that you should not be insecure about.. Backdoor To see a backdoor in your dream suggests that you need to search a little harder to find an answer to your problem. Sometimes the solution may not be obvious. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are trying to find short cuts to do things. To dream that you are locking the door suggests that you are closing yourself off from others. You are hesitant in letting others in and revealing your feelings. It is indicative of some fear and low self-worth. If someone slams the door in your face, then it indicates that you are feeling shut out or some activity or that you are being ignored. Hail To dream that you are caught in a hailstorm suggests that you are emotionally withdrawn. Some situation beyond your control is causing you to shut down emotionally. To hear hail in your dream indicates that you are going through a period of difficult times.