But I’ve never been able to own my anger, not my whole life. Although I know it’s real, there’s no proof of it on the outside. It has always just burnt up inside without ever being directed to where it’s needed.
I would wish it would burn you. I would wish you could know. When there was only silence between us…when the tears, hot and sticky, were running down my cheeks into my mouth, you were not there for it. You never saw it.
I HATED it. I hated that you were not there. I felt I couldn’t even own these parts of myself without you. I just gave up the reins of it all. I felt it swelled so big like I was going insane. I somehow murdered my own passions so that I feel nothing now. I’m scarred up inside from all the times I’ve swallowed down the rage. There’s nothing inside me for you now. Nothing more you can take.
It’s fucked up. The clarity, the simple knowing it’s over came that day I looked inside myself to console the anger I had abandoned.
If I delete mine, I might forget. I might pretend instead.
I bet you don’t even notice how we changed each other, but I’d like to remember the way it was. Not everyday, but I’d like some evidence that the things that happened day-to-day really happened. Just the way you were, and the promises you made and the silly things you asked me and told me… I want to remember that you used to end texts with ‘I love you too’ and ‘thank you so much’. I want to remember that the faith I put in you wasn’t completely misplaced. I don’t want to end up bitter through and through. I don’t want to re-write what happened over time, just because it’s painful. I want it all to last somewhere out there, so I can come back for a reality check.
Yeah, so incase you didn’t know you’re one hell of a let down lately. I’m out of options, I’m out of excuses for you. I guess I’ll have to face the fact that you absolutely suck. I thought you were so nice and so smart. You’ve left your good intentions behind, clearly.
I understand. I was baking literally all night to do the Oreo Cheesecake; now cake is at my house, a variety of cake…but unfortunately I can’t promise how much will be left by tomorrow. If you want, come get soon innit! :))))))))))))))) XXXXXXX